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| Photography by Christopher Vlaun- Pastor Carlos DeJesus |
by Julie Hanks,
LCSW, for Sharecare
Are you empathetic? Is your partner? It might be the secret to a
happier marriage. According to a recent study from Harvard University,
being able to accurately read a partner's emotions--and believing that
your partner is trying to understand your emotions--is related to couple
relationship satisfaction.
This study highlights certain gender differences that echo dynamics I've seen in my clinical practice
and in my 23-year marriage:
1. Women are more satisfied in their relationship if their partner accurately empathized with negative emotions.
2. Men were more satisfied when they could read their partner's positive emotions accurately.
3. Women's ability to read their partner's negative emotions was positively linked to both men's and women's relationship satisfaction.
The authors suggested that for men, being able to understand and be
empathetic to their partner's negative emotions may feel threatening to
the relationship, but women don't seem to find negative emotions
threatening. Findings suggest that effort, not just accuracy, positively impacts relationships.
Developing Empathy
If your relationship is distressed or if you simply want
to make a good relationship better, here are some ways to work on your
empathy skills.
Listen for emotional messages
The emotional message isn't the same as the words that
your partner is saying. Your partner may be criticizing you for not
spending enough time together, but the emotional message may actually
be, "I miss you and I'm afraid I'm not important to you."
Push the pause button on your own emotions
When your partner is expressing something critical, it's
easy to respond defensively. Before reacting, take a deep breath and try
to slow down your own emotional response so you can hear the emotion
behind the criticism.
Reflect back your partner's emotional plea
Instead of coming back defensively with, "What are you
talking about? We just went on a walk yesterday, and we went to dinner
last weekend!" respond to your partner's emotional plea by saying
something like, "You really miss me and want to spend more time
together. Thanks for letting me know. I love you."
Even if you read the emotional message inaccurately, your
effort to understand your partner's emotions will pay off!
